“One can, in this exact way, consent without enthusiasm and want it to be received as unconsenting, manipulative, as it were, to say no without saying no. The unintended harm in this, then, is furthering indirect if deceptive communication as valid as direct communication. Perhaps the shadow of the tool itself, and a tool that is meant to encourage listening and mutual understanding, discourages listening in favor of indirect control.”
On diet and exercise advice
“All my doctor did was tell me to diet and exercise for my depression. She doesn’t need to know why I’m depressed, that’s none of her business, but… I hate that she only see me as fat. Doctors are just garbage. No offense, Brady.” … These conversations are unconscious minefields. For some, any conversation about diet and exercise, even with regard to mental health, is thought of as judgmental, as toxic, or as fat-shaming. In this way, for far too many people, having any kind of conversation about diet and exercise, including neutral and objective ones, even with people whose …
On the death of an abusive parent
“I don’t really know what I feel. What should I feel? I don’t think I’m sad, but maybe I am.” … The death of a parent is, at the most neutral developmental perspective, significant, for it simultaneously makes one more of a child and more of an adult. In less neutral terms, with that particular death comes the acute awareness that, though still a child in some regards, there is no longer a parent to turn to for comfort or guidance, as a child naturally does. However, when a parent is abusive or harmful, and that child never exactly felt …
On stopping the nagging
” She just won’t stop nagging. She gets so angry… the rage… it triggers me. I have so many flashbacks of all her anger, all her rage, and all her nagging. It needs to stop.” … Here we go. I work with many people in relationships. I wish I saw most of them, either individually or collectively, years, if not decades, prior, so I could help them navigate conflicts, and become more accustomed to open conflict as necessary for a working relationship. Openly bringing up grievances, openly bringing up disagreements, and openly bringing up different approaches to the same problem; …
On evil, monsters, and tragedy
“Brady, I think it’s safe to say if you kill 18 innocent kids, you’re pure evil, totally sick, deserve to be vilified!” … When the Columbine High School shooting occurred, I was a junior in high school, studying journalism. I was told to no longer wear my long coat by my school administrators, because they wanted to prevent something like that from occurring in Porterville, California. My trenchcoat kept me warm on those frosty mornings, but I was informed that it would be better if I, “didn’t look like that.” I didn’t want to challenge the administration, so I left …
On sexual assault: one’s being
No. I do not believe that the worst thing that we do defines who we are, nor do I believe that the worst thing that is done to us also defines who we are. From this place, and in discussing sexual assault, I realize that for many people their identity, and their being, becomes inseparable from the sexual assault that they have endured. This becoming inseparable, of an act and one’s being, is noticeable in the words that people use to talk about themselves. In the language of sexual assault, the word, “victim,” is used sparingly. Using a word that …
On sexual assault: one’s body
When a person is sexually assaulted, the body, and through it, the world that can be experienced, is irreparably changed. What once might have been a safe and secure world is no longer as safe, as secure, or as gentle and whole. Those traumatic feelings, these frozen experiences, are not solely in the mind, for they arise in and through one’s body. The effect of sexual assault on the body is long lasting. For some people who are sexually assaulted, the ability to trust one’s own body, and one’s own experience is also damaged. A warm gesture from a friend, …
On sexual assault: one’s voice
When a person is sexually assaulted, their ability to say, “no,” is taken away. Their words, and the weight of their words, are emptied out and left hollow, and all to frequently, unheard. One aspect of sexual assault, this aspect of taking away the, “no,” of silencing, is an insidious part of assault because it doesn’t happen once. In the act of assault itself, a person receives the unwanted actions of another, and the assault roots itself throughout their body and being. The body, the mind, the heart, the spirit, and the voice, are all assaulted and each needs healing …