“One can, in this exact way, consent without enthusiasm and want it to be received as unconsenting, manipulative, as it were, to say no without saying no. The unintended harm in this, then, is furthering indirect if deceptive communication as valid as direct communication. Perhaps the shadow of the tool itself, and a tool that is meant to encourage listening and mutual understanding, discourages listening in favor of indirect control.”
On the idea of a safe space
“I’m really looking for therapy to be a safe space for me; just a good non-judgmental place to explore myself. But also, I didn’t really connect well with my last therapist because I didn’t feel that they were very open. You know?” … As far as first impressions go, whenever I hear this sentiment from a new person coming into my practice, my first thought is: “oh, do I know… and you’ve shared more about your defensiveness than you probably intended.” And it is almost as if an imperceptible boxing bell dings somewhere between us, and another fated first round …
On the death of an abusive parent
“I don’t really know what I feel. What should I feel? I don’t think I’m sad, but maybe I am.” … The death of a parent is, at the most neutral developmental perspective, significant, for it simultaneously makes one more of a child and more of an adult. In less neutral terms, with that particular death comes the acute awareness that, though still a child in some regards, there is no longer a parent to turn to for comfort or guidance, as a child naturally does. However, when a parent is abusive or harmful, and that child never exactly felt …
On loving someone with depression
“I don’t know how to talk to her. She’s so depressed, angry, and shutoff, and everything I say she takes the wrong way. I’m just worried I’m going to say the wrong thing and she’s going to…” … Whenever I hear someone say these words to me, I hear a heart break. Mine does too. I also hear the implicit broken idea, painful as it is to admit, that simply loving someone should be enough to help them. What goes implied, but acutely felt, is how humbling if humiliating it can be to come to the realization that love isn’t …
On stopping the nagging
” She just won’t stop nagging. She gets so angry… the rage… it triggers me. I have so many flashbacks of all her anger, all her rage, and all her nagging. It needs to stop.” … Here we go. I work with many people in relationships. I wish I saw most of them, either individually or collectively, years, if not decades, prior, so I could help them navigate conflicts, and become more accustomed to open conflict as necessary for a working relationship. Openly bringing up grievances, openly bringing up disagreements, and openly bringing up different approaches to the same problem; …
On abusive and nonabusive relationships
“Brady, I just don’t know. Am I in an abusive relationship?” … Truthfully, this conversation comes up so often, and I love what happens when it does. There’s so much education and personal growth opportunities in these conversations, as frustrating and scary as they may be to have, that in many ways these conversations become important and necessary. To start, it can be difficult to honestly ask yourself if a relationship you are in is abusive or not. It’s challenging even approaching that conversation because it means admitting that things probably aren’t exactly as you’d like them to be. Importantly, …
On bloated resilience
“Why can’t I just get better, Brady? It’s crazy! And no one knows. No one really knows how depressed I am. I’m such a fraud. I just can’t seem to get over it like I should! I’m crazy!” … Admittedly, when I conduct therapy, I deal with a lot of resiliency narratives that are slippery, insidiously undermining, and hard to dismantle. People can come into therapy wanting to conquer depression, cure anxiety, rid themselves of insecurities, overcome every obstacle, and succeed at life in the most positive way possible. To this point, one of the first agenda items I write in …
On false positive thinking
“I know happiness doesn’t come from a relationship or a career, Brady… I try to be a good person, you know? I do my best and I just… am I depressed?” … Oh positivity. That pesky and plucky idea. Supposedly, with the right positive, upbeat, encouraging message, yourself and others will be happy. If you aren’t happy, then it’s easily fixable, think the right thought and you can simply be happy and be the best you can be; for, it is the best. Happiness, in this plucky idea, is the ideal, unquestioned, positive state. Insidiously though, positivity works. For some people, …
On boundaries and control issues
“Brady, I can’t. Who would I even date if I started saying, ‘no,’ to all these men who don’t put in effort? No one does, so what else am I going to do? There’s not many options. I don’t want to not have sex ever again. But I kinda would if I rejected all these guys just cause they don’t try.” … At some point in most all of my professional relationships, we have a conversation about boundaries. On my end, it is a terrifying conversation because it is a very vulnerable and charged one that gets right to the source …
On unsolicited advice
“I’m going crazy. My girlfriend is driving me crazy! It’s always something. ‘Did you remember the keys?’ ‘Be sure to double-check the deadbolt.’ ‘Take this street, it’s quicker this time of day.’ She obviously thinks I’m an idiot, and she always has to be right. No matter what I do I just feel like she isn’t happy with me… Should I just break up with her now because I can’t do anything right?” … I hear these moments of frustration and hurt most days. The frustration and hurt are equally felt if rarely distinguished, especially in moments like these where …