“Doc, what should I look for in a partner?” … This question. I get this question a lot in my practice, and it breaks my heart in small ways and large ways each and every time. On the whole, the idea of what people find desirable in partners, and how they view particular aspects and qualities of the other person as criteria to date or not date, baffles me. There’s the big philosophical and psychological question of why we pick the romantic partners that we pick. There’s also this operational question, which is the one that baffles and fascinates me …
On opening up a relationship
“I’m not monogamous. How do I tell my girlfriend that without it ending our relationship?” “I’m dating these two guys that are awesome, but who do I really want to have a relationship with?” “My girlfriend cheated on me with her ex that I know, and I’m more mad at him than her. Does this mean I don’t want to be with her? I still love her and I think I should be more angry. Should I?” “I think opening up our relationship will spice things up, because things can’t get blander. Any advice?” “If my wife had an affair, I think …
On asking for help and who we choose to get close to
“I had the worst week imaginable. Like, everything imploded: car towed, my paycheck bounced, garbage disposal erupted, my dog went missing, is still missing, and I got flaked on my second date with Tinder guy. I didn’t even want to see you today, Brady, but I rallied to get out of bed after I called my dad this morning. He is really there for me when I need him. I don’t know what I’d do without him.” … When shit hits the fan, as if fans are somehow metaphysically engineered for shit, we do the best we can. We call …
On hurting our friends
“Again. I keep getting hurt by all the people that I love and it seems like all I ever do is get hurt. My trust has been broken so many times by… everyone that I don’t even think… I can’t trust. What’s even the point of having friends if you can’t trust them?” … I get questions like these a lot in my practice. It is also so much more than a question about others motivations or intent, because it is a single moment of hurt compounded by many, an innumerable many, moments of hurt. It is also a hard …
On kinds of commitment
Commitment. It is a weighty word. It looks long when I write it. It sounds long when I say it; rolling and repetitive. It also seems unfinished, as if there is an unspoken, “to,” somehow hidden, frightened, and scared to be acknowledged. I think in many ways, these being my own pet theories, that we often want the idea of a thing, like the idea of commitment, of stability, of love, whatnot, to be one thing and one thing alone. We want our things, especially our ideas, to be firm. Fixed. Defined. Absolute. Ontological. Following this, conversations about the relative …
On a calm pregnancy
“Seriously Brady. My best friend in this whole world is pregnant, after lying to me that she wasn’t. That’s not what’s bothering me though; she is pushing all of her friends away and her boyfriend is approaching all of her friends and family warning us all not to upset her. I’m afraid to confront her about her lies, her controlling boyfriend, and other actions, which there is a laundry list, and that she’s alienating those that really do love her for the sake of having a calm pregnancy and, ‘not wanting to hurt the baby.’ What am I going to …
On parental betrayal
“Brady, I’m torn. I’ve recently found out from my dad that my mom had an affair. I’ve always been close to my mom, and I know I’ve put her on a pedestal, but this hurts and keeping this secret is killing me. It is hard to look at her, and even though I’m an adult, the thought of them divorcing, the secrecy… I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.” … Hello. I want to say, first of all, that I am deeply sorry that you are going through this. I believe that parental conflict and betrayal doesn’t simply occur …
On mostly sex
“Brady. Something that’s been on my mind that I have a hard time thinking about and understanding: can a relationship based mostly on sex survive? Can’t wait to hear back!” … I really like this question and the psychological layers of it, so thank you for asking me this question. To me, yes, there is a sustaining quality to sex in a relationship and sex has a remarkably unique role in maintaining closeness between people. However, my, “yes,” is an incomplete, “yes.” Another layer to the question of the sustaining aspect of sex in a relationship, and when a relationship …
On being forgiven
“Brady, … Forgiveness: its meaning, its application. What we can gleam from it? How to distinguish within ourselves when it is genuine? What happens next? What does it mean to forgive? How does it relate to the idea of moving on? Can there truly be forgiveness without forgetting? … This is a great topic, and such a necessary one to spend time on. As I tend to do, I like to sit a little longer with thoughts and feelings and find a way to describe what it is to sit with those thoughts, feelings, ideas, and questions. That stylistic preface …
In dismissing gratitude
Offering thanks and appreciation to a person, either for what they have done for us or simply for being in our lives, is an act of gratitude. Underneath that act is the feeling itself: an earnest acknowledgement of the importance of another and a desired response to reach back to them, with kindness, with warmth, with love. However, there are many ways that we can dismiss gratitude and many reasons that we make for not wanting others to reach back to us. We might have been the recipient of having our gratitude dismissed, and the messages that we have received …