“Brady, my friends are so judgy. It’s hard being around them because they hate on everything. They’re so negative. I love them, but can’t stand them sometimes. I really try to be non-judgmental. Love everyone. You know?” … I don’t. Usually in conversations about judgment, people’s feelings about being judged, personally judging others, others’ experiences of judgment, and so much more, the definitions of judgment and non-judgment are ill-defined. On a rudimentary level, I like to think that there are “yes” judgments (like, want more, delight, love, etc.) and “no” judgments (dislike, want less, disgust, hate, etc.). Non-judgments then are simply …
On the consequences of sexual abstinence
“Brady, am I going crazy? My wife, maybe ex, I don’t know what to call her, us, right now, but we don’t have sex. We haven’t really since our wedding night and we waited until our wedding night. I respected her choice, mine too, but… it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Why is it bad?” … Admittedly, I was unpleasantly surprised when I started to see more and more persons, and couples, in my practice struggling with the consequences of abstinence on their marriage, their dating life, and their self-esteem. Maybe if I intermittently saw one person, or one couple, struggling with …
On picking a partner
“Doc, what should I look for in a partner?” … This question. I get this question a lot in my practice, and it breaks my heart in small ways and large ways each and every time. On the whole, the idea of what people find desirable in partners, and how they view particular aspects and qualities of the other person as criteria to date or not date, baffles me. There’s the big philosophical and psychological question of why we pick the romantic partners that we pick. There’s also this operational question, which is the one that baffles and fascinates me …
On opening up a relationship
“I’m not monogamous. How do I tell my girlfriend that without it ending our relationship?” “I’m dating these two guys that are awesome, but who do I really want to have a relationship with?” “My girlfriend cheated on me with her ex that I know, and I’m more mad at him than her. Does this mean I don’t want to be with her? I still love her and I think I should be more angry. Should I?” “I think opening up our relationship will spice things up, because things can’t get blander. Any advice?” “If my wife had an affair, I think …
On asking for help and who we choose to get close to
“I had the worst week imaginable. Like, everything imploded: car towed, my paycheck bounced, garbage disposal erupted, my dog went missing, is still missing, and I got flaked on my second date with Tinder guy. I didn’t even want to see you today, Brady, but I rallied to get out of bed after I called my dad this morning. He is really there for me when I need him. I don’t know what I’d do without him.” … When shit hits the fan, as if fans are somehow metaphysically engineered for shit, we do the best we can. We call …
On a calm pregnancy
“Seriously Brady. My best friend in this whole world is pregnant, after lying to me that she wasn’t. That’s not what’s bothering me though; she is pushing all of her friends away and her boyfriend is approaching all of her friends and family warning us all not to upset her. I’m afraid to confront her about her lies, her controlling boyfriend, and other actions, which there is a laundry list, and that she’s alienating those that really do love her for the sake of having a calm pregnancy and, ‘not wanting to hurt the baby.’ What am I going to …
On parental betrayal
“Brady, I’m torn. I’ve recently found out from my dad that my mom had an affair. I’ve always been close to my mom, and I know I’ve put her on a pedestal, but this hurts and keeping this secret is killing me. It is hard to look at her, and even though I’m an adult, the thought of them divorcing, the secrecy… I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.” … Hello. I want to say, first of all, that I am deeply sorry that you are going through this. I believe that parental conflict and betrayal doesn’t simply occur …
On uncertainty
“ Brady, I’m thinking of pursuing an educational path and I don’t know if it is the career that I will be doing in the future, but for now it seems right. I like being certain about these things, so I weigh my options, especially with something as big as my career. Any advice on being sure of your educational goals?” … Dreaming of the future, and the career you want to build, as well as the life you will inhabit, can be as exciting as it is cloudy. That future can appear even cloudier when the decisions you are …
On mostly sex
“Brady. Something that’s been on my mind that I have a hard time thinking about and understanding: can a relationship based mostly on sex survive? Can’t wait to hear back!” … I really like this question and the psychological layers of it, so thank you for asking me this question. To me, yes, there is a sustaining quality to sex in a relationship and sex has a remarkably unique role in maintaining closeness between people. However, my, “yes,” is an incomplete, “yes.” Another layer to the question of the sustaining aspect of sex in a relationship, and when a relationship …
On coming home
“So hey, Brady. I don’t like the holidays, not simply because I don’t believe in them, but also because if I were to go home, well, it comes at a cost. Give me some advice, not that I’ll take it.” … So, yeah… the idea of home, and the idea of the holidays as a reminder of a home to come back to, troubles many people. It makes sense that coming home is stressful to many people because there are many expectations and nuances of what home should be like. As I like to think of it, the act of …