“Brady, I can’t. Who would I even date if I started saying, ‘no,’ to all these men who don’t put in effort? No one does, so what else am I going to do? There’s not many options. I don’t want to not have sex ever again. But I kinda would if I rejected all these guys just cause they don’t try.” … At some point in most all of my professional relationships, we have a conversation about boundaries. On my end, it is a terrifying conversation because it is a very vulnerable and charged one that gets right to the source …
On the consequences of sexual abstinence
“Brady, am I going crazy? My wife, maybe ex, I don’t know what to call her, us, right now, but we don’t have sex. We haven’t really since our wedding night and we waited until our wedding night. I respected her choice, mine too, but… it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Why is it bad?” … Admittedly, I was unpleasantly surprised when I started to see more and more persons, and couples, in my practice struggling with the consequences of abstinence on their marriage, their dating life, and their self-esteem. Maybe if I intermittently saw one person, or one couple, struggling with …
On boundaries and controlling others
“Brady, why do I let others walk all over me? Why do I let others disrespect me so much? There must be something I am doing that says, ‘low self esteem here!’ What is it about me that says this is okay?!” … When someone asks me these questions in an individual therapy session and goes down this brittle line of self reflection, or boldly ventures into this territory in a couples counseling session, I get a little panicky. In that moment, I’m in very delicate territory, flashing red psychoanalytic lights and all, and I can easily hurt someone even …
On picking a partner
“Doc, what should I look for in a partner?” … This question. I get this question a lot in my practice, and it breaks my heart in small ways and large ways each and every time. On the whole, the idea of what people find desirable in partners, and how they view particular aspects and qualities of the other person as criteria to date or not date, baffles me. There’s the big philosophical and psychological question of why we pick the romantic partners that we pick. There’s also this operational question, which is the one that baffles and fascinates me …
On opening up a relationship
“I’m not monogamous. How do I tell my girlfriend that without it ending our relationship?” “I’m dating these two guys that are awesome, but who do I really want to have a relationship with?” “My girlfriend cheated on me with her ex that I know, and I’m more mad at him than her. Does this mean I don’t want to be with her? I still love her and I think I should be more angry. Should I?” “I think opening up our relationship will spice things up, because things can’t get blander. Any advice?” “If my wife had an affair, I think …
On hurting our friends
“Again. I keep getting hurt by all the people that I love and it seems like all I ever do is get hurt. My trust has been broken so many times by… everyone that I don’t even think… I can’t trust. What’s even the point of having friends if you can’t trust them?” … I get questions like these a lot in my practice. It is also so much more than a question about others motivations or intent, because it is a single moment of hurt compounded by many, an innumerable many, moments of hurt. It is also a hard …
On parental betrayal
“Brady, I’m torn. I’ve recently found out from my dad that my mom had an affair. I’ve always been close to my mom, and I know I’ve put her on a pedestal, but this hurts and keeping this secret is killing me. It is hard to look at her, and even though I’m an adult, the thought of them divorcing, the secrecy… I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.” … Hello. I want to say, first of all, that I am deeply sorry that you are going through this. I believe that parental conflict and betrayal doesn’t simply occur …
On coming home
“So hey, Brady. I don’t like the holidays, not simply because I don’t believe in them, but also because if I were to go home, well, it comes at a cost. Give me some advice, not that I’ll take it.” … So, yeah… the idea of home, and the idea of the holidays as a reminder of a home to come back to, troubles many people. It makes sense that coming home is stressful to many people because there are many expectations and nuances of what home should be like. As I like to think of it, the act of …
On anger: justified
How I see it is anger isn’t an emotion in the same way that happiness or sadness are emotions. Happiness and sadness arise from deep inner experiences of trust, while anger, at least from my perspective, is attached to the belief of rightness; trust and belief are distinctive, and their exploration is something that we will explore at another time. What I mean by, the belief of rightness, is that anger is more of a reaction anchored in the thought “(blank) is wrong!” That “blank” can be another person, a group of people, a country, a politician, or even one’s …